 Funeral
Etiquette
When a friend or acquaintance dies, your first reaction
may be to help. But you may not be sure of what to say or do. It
is natural to feel this way.
While you may feel hesitant about intruding on the family during
their grief, it is important to visit them. It lets the family know
that while their loved one is gone, they are not alone; that while
suffering a great loss, they are still connected to the living,
and that life will go on.
When should I visit?
Upon learning of a death, intimate friends of the family should
visit the home to offer sympathy and ask if they can help. You may
prefer to visit the family at the funeral home. This setting may
be more comfortable for you and the family, as they are prepared
for visitors.
How long should I stay at a visitation?
It is only necessary to stay for a short time; fifteen minutes
or so gives you enough time to express your sympathy.
What should I say?
Using your own words, express your sympathy. Kind words about the
person who has died is always appropriate. If the family wants to
talk , they usually simply need to express their feelings; they
aren't necessarily looking for a response from you. The kindest
response is usually a warm hug and to simply say, "I understand".
Jewish Practices.
In families of Jewish faiths, interment of the deceased usually
occurs within twenty-four hours. Customs will vary depending if
the family is of the Orthodox or the Reform Jewish faith.
Religious and Ethnic customs
Customs may differ among various communities, ethnic groups and
religions. Please feel free to contact us for guidance, as we are
well versed in the customs of many faiths. For more details, you
may refer to more comprehensive guides, such as those by Emily Post
or Amy Vanderbilt.
The Visitation at the Funeral Home
A formal visitation provides a time and place for friends to offer
their expressions of sorrow and sympathy. This practice is most
common among the Protestant and Catholic faiths. The obituary should
tell you the visitation hours and when the family will be present,
or you may call the funeral home for this information.
When you arrive, go to the family, and express your sympathy with
an embrace or by offering your hands. Don't feel as though you must
avoid talking about the person who has died. Talking can help the
grieving process begin. If you were an acquaintance of the deceased
but not well-known to the family, immediately introduce yourself.
Do not feel uncomfortable if you or the family member becomes emotional
or begins to cry. Allowing the family to grieve is a natural healing
process. However, if you find yourself becoming extremely upset,
it would be kinder to excuse yourself so as not to increase the
strain on the family.
Viewing the deceased is not mandatory. However, if offered by the
family, it is customary to show your respects by viewing the deceased,
and, if you desire, spending a few moments in silent prayer. Always
sign your name in the register book. If you were a business associate
of the deceased, it is appropriate to note your company affiliation
if the family may not otherwise know you.
Your simple presence will mean a lot to the family. You do not
need to stay for the entire visitation, but try not to leave during
any prayers that might be offered.
Other Expressions of Sympathy
While there is no substitute for a personal visit if you are able
to do so, there are many other ways to express your sympathy.
E-mail
E-mail is appropriate from those who are not intimate with the
family such as a business associate or a former neighbor. The family
will appreciate your message of concern.
Flowers
Flowers can be a great comfort to the family and may be sent to
the funeral home or to the residence. Some people prefer to send
flowers to the residence afterwards. If the family asks that that
donations should be made in lieu of flowers, you should honor that
request.
Food for the Family
The most welcome gift at this time is food. Also, there may be
several visitors in the house who need to be fed. During the days
immediately following the death, substantial dishes that require
little preparation other than reheating are appropriate.
Mass Cards
If the deceased was Catholic, some people will send a mass card
instead or in addition to flowers. Catholics and non- Catholics
may arrange for a mass to be said for the deceased. It is also appropriate
to arrange a mass on the anniversary of the death.
Memorial Gifts
A memorial gift is always appropriate, especially when the family
has requested such a gift in lieu of flowers. Usually the family
will designate a specific organization or charity. Remember to provide
the family's name and address to the charity so they can send proper
notification. It is acceptable to mention your gift in a sympathy
note without mentioning the amount of the gift. When possible, Mountcastle
Funeral Home will offer a direct link to charities requested by
the family.
Phone Calls
If you live out-of-town you should telephone as soon as possible
to offer your sympathy. Keep the call brief, since others will probably
be trying to call as well.
The Funeral Service
Funeral services differ depending upon the religious and personal
beliefs of the family. Funeral services can be held at a church,
temple, funeral home, or even the residence. Most folks will chose
the funeral home, because of its centralized location.
Whether the service is held at the funeral home or at church, enter
quietly and be seated. The first few rows are usually reserved for
family members, however, people should sit close behind them to
give comfort and support. The ceremony is usually conducted by a
member of the clergy, but others may offer thoughts, anecdotes or
eulogies. At the conclusion of the service, you will want to leave
promptly, and wait in your car if you plan to follow the procession
to the cemetery. Remember to turn your headlights on so you can
be identified as being a part of the procession. Also remember to
turn you headlights off once you arrive at the cemetery.
Immediately After the Funeral
Immediately after the funeral, the family sometimes invites the
attendees to join them for food or a reception at their home or
designated place. This gives everyone a chance to talk and provides
some time to relax and refresh. Sometimes friends or church members
will take it upon themselves to prepare food ahead of time for this
gathering, and relieve the family of this task.
Afterwards
After the difficult and busy days surrounding the death, the family
is faced with the challenge of resuming
What do I say when I see the family in public?
What you say depends on if you've already had contact with them.
If you attended the visitation or funeral, merely greet them warmly
and ask how they are doing. If this is your first meeting with them
since the death, your first reaction might be to express your sympathy.
However, it is nicer not to bring up the death as this might evoke
emotions which might be painful for your friend to deal with in
a public place. Perhaps it would be better just to say you understand
that this is a difficult time for them. You might even ask when
it would be a good time to visit or go to lunch or dinner.
What can I do to help later?
In the days and months to come, the family will continue to need
your support. Try to write or call on a regular basis. Continue
to include them in your social plans, they will let you know when
they are ready to participate. It is also nice to remember the family
on special occasions during the first year following the death.
Don't worry about bringing up the pain and emotion of the loss,
they are well aware of that. By remembering such occasions as wedding
anniversaries and birthdays, you are not remembering the death,
but reaffirming that a life was lived.
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